Hair_Diary

Originally posted 2011Reposting for encouragement Okay guys here it is. My on the couch special with curlynikki from over a year ago. I never released this but it is time for me to share this hair testimony. “When he breaks up with me, I’ll cut my hair!” This statement was once the story of my life. I never understood my hair in its entire being, whether it was relaxed or natural, I always felt the need to “hate on” others hair because mine didn’t look like the other chick’sstanding next to me. Right when I began highschool, my self esteem was nowhere to be found. I searched through each and every hall wall and locker, but nope it wasn’t there. This was probably because I believed that my hair was the root of my self esteem issues. And even though my mother put a texturizer in my hair 2 years prior to high school, when I hit the school doors that first day, I knew then and there that a texturizer wasn’t cutting it. My hair made who I was (or so I thought), and I would not be able to have a smile upon my face unless my hair was up to par. Therefore my freshman year of highschool I hit the salon and begged for a relaxer. My bestfriend at the time was highly upset because not only did I leave her to fend with her natural hair by herself when I first processed my hair, but I leaped an extra two steps ahead getting a full blown relaxer. While Motions Relaxer was seeping into the roots of every hair strand, all I could think about is how gorgeous this relaxer would make me, and how my self image would do a total turn around.  Boy was I wrong!  My hair never took to the chemicals, and I surely believed something was wrong with my head. I refused to get a stronger relaxer, because everyone knows that the stronger the relaxer the more damaging it is. So I was forced to walk around with puffy hair all the time.  My hair routine consisted of going to the hair salon; receiving a relaxer (which I did once every three months or so); Going home and then flat ironing my ends. When I wasn’t in the hair salon I simply just washed and flat ironed. Surprisingly for the 5 years that I kept up with that routine I never experienced noticeable damage but I knew something wasn’t too right. There were nights I would refuse to leave my house because I was afraid to hear the comments about my puffy so called relaxed hair. It’s unimaginable how the material looks and societal acceptances can consume a person’s thoughts. I unfortunately became a victim of both. I believed that I WAS my hair. Upon leaving high school, I entered college and found myself stumbling upon many natural divas and website such as these. As I wandered through the sites I began to wonder if I would be able to love my hair ever again. Of course these trying times were even more rough because my boyfriend ex-boyfriend and I lived in two separate places and I believed  that the long distance wasn’t going to work out as it should. So one day while I was speaking to my best friend she brought up my relationship and said, “Do you think you guys will break up?” And I responded, “When he breaks ups with me, I’ll cut my hair!!” From that moment I truly understood that I cared entirely way too much about my appearance and fitting in with societies “Perfect Woman” image, so much that I thought living with short natural hair was unattractive. I knew then and there that something had to give. I even wrote an article for the University’s paper on natural hair which in turn forced me to start transitioning in January 2010. Little did I know that while I was transitioning I was simultaneously “transitioning” both my mind and hair. I had no idea that this was an actual natural hair term nor a process. My hair journey with transitioning was pretty rough but luckily I had a friend on campus, who was also natural to help me get through it with a sew in. I also transitioned with twistouts and bantuknots (free flow styles) . June 7th was the big day when I BC’ed my hair. I felt so relieved watching my relaxed ends hit the ground. I’m not going to lie I cried, I cried for a couple of days at that. These tears to me were a sign of release but also shyness because I was not sure how my boyfriend ex-boyfriend or family would have taken it. Oh yea did I mention I cut it myself, with the help of a friend? If there is one thing I learned, it’s to make sure to know what you are doing with your hair at all times! When I showed my parents they yelled at me so much because I cut it unevenly and they believed that my natural hair was disgusting. There faces and words both read  “You are so stupid”.  Calling me “Felix” instead of Felicia. And again I relapsed, falling heavy into a state of depression, receiving micro braids  to cover up my “naturalness”. I was way too afraid to show my boyfriend  ex-boyfriend. As time went by I kept watching and reading materials to maintain my natural roots because there was no turning back from it(for me at least). Although I was unsure of myself I knew that a self esteem change had to occur in my life if I ever wanted to live with a smile again. Therefore I took out my hair on August 5th and went to a salon and had them trim it evenly. When I walked out the salon I took a deep breath and said “I Love me!” I receive comments on my